6 ways ISIS can go green

With ISIS capturing more and more territory in Iraq and Syria, it is imperative that the organization thinks about its impact on the surrounding environment. The future of the Islamic State depends on its ability to conserve resources, reduce its carbon footprint and find alternative sources of energy. Accordingly, here are some helpful suggestions for how ISIS can be environmentally friendly and go green!

1. ISIS should space out its checkpoints in order to cut down on carbon emissions. Although doing so might compromise their ability to rob fleeing Christians within their midst, as they did this July in Mosul when thousands of Christians were forced to convert, leave or die, spacing out the checkpoints would help its qausi-state to be more environmentally friendly by reducing fuel inefficiency from all of the idling cars.
2. ISIS should begin using biodegradable bullets. According to a UN report issued on Oct. 2, more than 9,347 civilians had been killed and at least 17,386 wounded in Iraq during the first eight months of 2014. While it is committing these horrific and morally repulsive crimes against humanity, the least they can do is make sure that their bullets are not harming the environment!
3. ISIS should mount its machine guns onto the backs of hybrids instead of trucks. The Toyota Hilux is the vehicle of choice for terrorist and rebel groups such as ISIS; as such, switching to Hybrid vehicles would provide a much-needed boost to ISIS’ environmental credentials. “[The Toyota Hilux] is the vehicular equivalent of the AK-47,” said Andrew Exum, a former Army Ranger and now a fellow of the Center for a New American Security, writing for Newsweek. “It’s ubiquitous to insurgent warfare.”
4. ISIS should donate a percentage of its earnings towards offsetting its carbon emissions. According to the New York Post, ISIS possesses $2 billion in assets and earns approximately $3 million per day by smuggling oil into Turkey, selling women and children into sexual slavery, holding foreigners for ransom and extorting local businesses. Although most terrorist organizations must seek funding from wealthy, like-minded donors, ISIS can fund itself; thus, they can also donate money towards green causes.
5. ISIS should use its savvy social media experts to launch a go-green campaign. Thus far, ISIS’ social media team has been remarkably successful at recruiting, radicalizing and raising funds for its organization; it even launched its own app on Google Play called the “Dawn of Glad Tidings,” which allows users to stay up to date on its activities. For every like on its Facebook page, ISIS should donate $1 to the Wildlife Conservation Society.
6. ISIS should stop selling so much crude oil on the black-market in Turkey. According to estimates obtained by the New York Times and CNN, ISIS rakes in approximately $2 million per day selling crude oil to black-market smugglers operating out of Turkey. ISIS clearly needs to be more conscious about its carbon footprint; accordingly, they should try to switch to more sustainable sources of energy, such as wind turbines or solar panels.

In all seriousness, as I try to pick through the myriad of recycled adjectives in order to describe ISIS, such as “barbaric,” “savage” and “evil,” one fact becomes abundantly clear to me: there are truly no words in the English dictionary that can fully describe the scope of this terrorist organization’s moral depravity. After the medieval beheading of Peter Kassig on Monday, the third against an American so far, there are only two proper emotional responses: fury and anguish.

In light of this global tragedy, I find solace in his mother’s reassuring words that she offered at her church on Monday: “The world is broken, but it will be healed in the end, and good will prevail.”