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‘Anonymous’ letter from a senior Breitbart editor

Satirical letter addressed to Milo Yiannopoulos after his resignation from editorial position.

Illustration by Stephanie Hak

Illustration by Stephanie Hak

Illustration by Stephanie Hak

Hanna Suarez, Opinions Editor

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Dear Milo Yiannopoulos,

I’ve been thinking about what you’ve been saying — a lot — and I do think that you definitely crossed the line when you spoke in favor of sexual relationships between underage boys and older, “consenting” men.

You argue, “I think it particularly happens in the gay world, by the way, in many cases those relationships with old men… this is one of the reasons I hate the left, this one size fits all policing of culture, this arbitrary and oppressive idea of consent which totally destroys the understanding that many of us have the complexities and subtleties and complicated nature of many relationships,” according to a Monday article by The Daily Beast.

You have left many of us editors here at Breitbart shaken and confused. But I think that conservatives are missing out on a wealth of pleasure and satisfaction when they dismiss the idea of brotherhood. The focus on the “gay” label is conflating well-rounded, quality fraternal support with promiscuous, radical queerness, and these are not one in the same.

After all, what is the glorious alt-right without all of its beautiful boys? Brotherhood is what ignites this movement, it is the lube that keeps our gears moving. Collectively, our biceps and boners are the most irresistible rhetoric — infiltrating everything from womb to White House.

Any civilized man such as yourself understands the importance, the necessity of the preservation of history. You, with your Greek bloodline, might have a particular pederastic inclination — but how could we forget the greatest accomplishments ancient Europeans made for the modern state?

The identity of our European brotherhood should be celebrated in all it’s erotic glory. Our fellow fraternities lead by example with their drunken college debauchery. According to End Rape on Campus, an organization that provides support for rape victims and spreads education to campuses and communities, fraternities are seen as very “dangerous places for women,” and their members are three times more likely to commit rape than unaffiliated counterparts.

But listen, all this talk about diddling kids and Father Michael distracts us from the important things: the need for outreach that is passed on from generation to generation. All of these liberal activists are stealing all of our young men and turning our breeders into fierce intersectional feminists.

The left is throwing around terms like “rape,” and “sexual assault,” groups like EROC claim to protect girls on campus, but they are really just luring them into dangerous lesbian sex dens. Interdisciplinary studies are poisoning young, patriotic men who are trying to benefit the community with their fertile seed. Now more than ever, we need to stand united as, brothers and fight back against this slander that we have dealt with for far too long.

We have stood by your side this long, and applauded your misogynistic, transphobic, islamophobic and xenophobic comments, but some including Simon and Schuster are now limiting the extent of your free speech, according to The Huffington Post. You must understand the severity of the situation at this point — we can not formally reinstate you back on board. But you will leave a lasting impression in our hearts. If it is any consolation, just know your bed buddies at Breitbart will be waiting for you, biting our pillows in anticipation.

You let your tongue slip. But I’m sure you could still teach an old dog like me some new tricks, if you know what I mean. I know I was anonymous in my comments to The Washingtonian, but rest assured, I was merely taking precautions. The fate of our numbers is dependent on our secrecy. What other office takes such pride in their restroom glory holes?

We as leaders of the alt-right nation need to keep a trim, yet subtle appearance, use Richard Spencer as a model. His Nazi-youth comb over and pressed fitted suits scream macho, fascist camp — while continuing to maintain his good boy facade. Nevertheless, I’d still like to see you play dress up for me sometime.

Milo, I said I was disgusted in the aforementioned article, but really I am just jealous. You in all of your pasty, buff, english glory have paved the way for our movement. Soon we will seize pride from the homosexual drag queens, and utilize it to gain visibility.

We will fuel the fires of our fraternal friction, one promotional fleshlight at a time.

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