Here are our Super Bowl 50 picks, or whatever

The Denver Broncos will take on the Carolina Panthers Sunday in the most widely viewed U.S. sporting event of the year: Super Bowl 50.

Unfortunately, people who don’t care about football exist too. And sadly, some of the these people have infiltrated our newsroom.

The Daily 49er staff give their picks on who will end up triumphant on Sunday night.

Micayla Vermeeren, Opinions Editor

Who’s playing? Broncos and Panthers? Cool names, dig the animal references. Because sports are beastly, albeit cool, it makes sense to try and make teams seem strong with animalistic connotations.

After further review, I remembered I like cats infinitely more than I like horses, and I’m always going to get down with a black color scheme. Orange and blue should never exist in a shared space, just like Lady Gaga should never tarnish the space Good Queen Carter inhabits. I’m hoping the Panthers wear black uniforms so I can make a very shallow, aesthetically driven attempt at following the action as it unfolds, and I’m hoping even more that they do something that warrants fireworks.

So, Panthers, Beyonce´, black uniforms, and fireworks. Also, my grandma’s spinach artichoke dip. She makes pigs-in-blankets, but I don’t eat meat so catch me hoarding the dip while hiding from my uncle’s weird arm flails and my dad screaming at people who very much cannot HEAR HIM THROUGH A TV SCREEN, ROBERT.

Wait, are fireworks just for home runs?

Miranda Andrade-Ceja, Arts & Life Editor

I have a list of things I would rather do than watch the Super Bowl. That list starts with pouring hot wax on my arm and ends with having a nihilistic crisis at a 7-11 because the Slurpee machine is out of order.

Either way, I’m not watching the Super Bowl. I don’t even care about the commercials. I hate that everyone thinks I care about Super Bowl commercials just because I don’t watch the game itself and it’s like, “What the heck? I don’t even have cable!” But here is a football-related question: Why do football players wear those big hats with the fences on them?

Honestly, Colorado is a lame state anyway. Sorry to any tree lovers, it’s just not my style. Have fun getting bowled. Go pumas.

Emilio Aldea, Design Editor

So, the Panthers are basically going to curb-stomp the Broncos. I’m going to watch the game and get wasted with my family because this game is probably going to be one of the worst matchups of these playoffs. I’m just there to have a good time and watch men who are roughly equivalent to what would happen if a semi-truck had a baby with an Olympic athlete give each other irreparable brain damage. There is no God. Go Arby’s.

Ariana Sawyer,News Editor

Football is a disease. According to the Brain Injury Research Institute, football can cause a degenerative brain disease called Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, where parts of the brain actually atrophy. What that means is that parts of the brain wither up and die, causing a gross loss of neurons. People need neurons to think. Oh. Now it all makes sense.

Madison D’Ornellas, Managing Editor

“And the winner of Super Bowl 50 is … Beyonce´ Giselle Knowles-Carter.”

Kevin Flores, Special Projects Editor

Readers, as the great reflective thinkers I assume you all to be: take a moment to acknowledge the absurdity of the Super Bowl commercial hype.

I was once given wise advice: “Never allow anyone to rent out space in your mind.”

Yet ads are engineered to do just that. And the sophistication with which they hijack our subconscious is only growing. The jingles, the taglines, the brand characters, the logos are nothing but cultural pollution. They colonize our minds and render junk thought. Corporations not satisfied with polluting our Earth also pollute our mental environment.

The author David Foster Wallace once wrote, “Americans seem no longer united so much by common beliefs as by common images.”

That Super Bowl commercials have become such a phenomenon says a lot about our culture’s consumerist values. We relish the entertainment value of the vehicle used to inoculate us with empty desires. It’s downright bewildering. So this Sunday, dear readers, I suggest you abstain from the barrage of ads beamed into your brain.

That said, go Broncos.

Josh Barajas, Sports Editor

Last week I wrote a column where I said that the Panthers were going to beat the Broncos. I actually wrote that the Panthers were going to annihilate the Broncos. Of course, I wrote that before Cam Newton decided to wear those god-awful zebra-print $900 Versace pants.

These crime-against-humanity pair of pants are the worst thing to happen to a Super Bowl since Coldplay.

Newton’s choice to wear ugly pants makes me question all his decision making skills a mere week away from the biggest game of his life. He let the hype get to him. He feels he can do whatever, whenever he wants. And he probably could, but the pants were a step too far.

Newton will continue making poor choices. Broncos win in a close game.

Trang Le, Photo Editor

Are the Dodgers playing?

I don’t know about you, but you can find me waving pom poms during the Olympics. There’s something much more impressive in the way the Olympics unite countries together. What’s football even about? Commercialism, gambling and angry fans?

If there’s one impressive factor about the Super Bowl, it’s the advertisements. Companies will easily spend $4 million for a 30-second ad that viewers will not even be watching. I won’t be watching the Super Bowl, but I’ll be on the Netflix and beer hype for whoever wants to join.

Greg Diaz, Editor-in-Chief

“There’s games beyond the game,” as Stringer Bell once said. And much like for Stringer, with the Super Bowl, those games usually involve money. Now, let’s be honest here, we’ve had some good luck with excellent Super Bowls in the past decade. This shouldn’t be one of those years. Cam Newton and the Panthers should have no trouble with Peyton Manning’s noodle arm.  

It is at this point that I should mention that gambling is not legal in California.

But if gambling were legal, here are some predictions for Sunday’s game beyond the game:

Cam Newton will mock pulling open his shirt like Superman at least 3 times (5-7 odds), as he sets a record with 4 rushing touchdowns.

The winning coach will get blue Gatorade poured on him (3-1).

Coldplay will lead off the halftime show to “Fix You” (6-2), much to the delight of your Aunt, who will talk about it on Facebook endlessly.  

Peyton Manning will both cry (6-1) and announce his retirement (5-1) after seeing Coldplay perform “Fix You” (and his fourth interception).

The winning team will score more points in the game that Trump will get percentage points in the New Hampshire Primary.

Buttons will lead Team Fluff to victory and win the MVP in this year’s Puppy Bowl. I did not find odds on this, but mark it down.